Proper Male Public Bathroom Etiquette
In my journeys of bars around the capital region and other states, I have noticed certain things we men tend to do after a couple beers (a couple being 10). These behaviors they exhibit are rude and just make it uncomfortable for the rest of us using the bathroom. Thus, in hopes to assist the world I have compiled a list of Dos and Don’ts for using the bathroom at the bar, and in any other public setting for that matter.
If you feel it necessary to break the silence and something is tickling your funny bone, feel free to make a joke but only about something you observe and everyone else can observe it as well with the same appreciation. (Ex. Why is there a lower urinal in here? How many little people or kids do they have frequenting this bar to the point where they needed to accommodate them?)
When using the urinal look down or ahead and never side to side. When turning away from the urinal turn to the closet wall or if you are in the middle close your eyes. Also stand as close to the urinal as possible.
Wash your hands. Not only is it good hygiene but no guy will want to high five his friend knowing he just was holding his junk.
Make the bathroom visit as quick as possible. Whether there is a line or not, to a third party if a bathroom trip takes any longer than 5 to 7 minutes, thoughts of what you are ACTUALLY doing in there will generate.
Please restrict puking to bathroom stall. Don’t boot on the floor sink or urinal as those are where others will frequent more.
Keep conversations to the proper area which is the sink. Not only can you kill two birds with one stone, fix yourself and converse, but it keeps you from having to make eye contact or yell in the improper areas.
MAN LAW #1- ALWAYS RETAIN AT LEAST A ONE URINAL DISTANCE BETWEEN YOU AND THE NEXT GUY. Not only will this prevent your elbows from touching, it is just a larger comfort zone. If there are 5 urinals and number 2 and 4 are being used YOU WAIT! Because using urinal 1 3 or 5 will appear to them as if you are sexually interested in them (and if you are the bathroom is not the proper area to express that interest).
Go to the bathroom in groups. No one needs assistance or instructions. Our time to talk is when women do that.
Drink your beer while you are peeing, you look like an alcoholic not cool.
Start or continue a conversation with the person using the next urinal. That’s uncomfortable.
Turnarounds from the urinal before you finish zipping or while you are zipping up. No one wants a show.
Use this opportunity to catch up with a buddy. Keep that talk outside the bathroom.
Neither sing nor hum a song in hope of everyone joining you. This is not a musical so go back home and watch life time.
Puke in the urinal. Be respectful to other guys and restrict it to the stall or outside the bar. Let’s be classy gentlemen.
Use your phone to argue with your girlfriend who didn’t want you to go out because she doesn’t trust you when you drink. Call Maury or Springer because no one in the bathroom cares about your problems nor wants to hear them.
Fart in the bathroom, it’s not funny and it’s gross. No one cares you had taco bell for lunch nor do they want to smell it.
MAN LAW#2- UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE NO MATTER HOW DIRE STAND IN LINE BEHIND ANOTHER GUY USING THE URINAL. Wait outside the bathroom. The maximum occupancy of the bathroom shall be 1 for every 2 urinals, one for every stall and one washing their hands. So therefore the minimum should be 3 people in a bathroom with two urinals and one stall.
Wallet size cards of these rules are available by request. Let’s be proper guys. Thank you.