New Blog: White Guy’s Guide to Using the N Word

Heres my first blog. I have quite a few in mind it’ll just take time for them to be written.

PLEASE COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT!

The White Guy’s Guide: The Ability of Using the N-Word in 5 Steps

You hear it everywhere you go. You hear it on popular comedy specials, you hear it in movies, you hear it in music, and you’ve even heard some people use it in a negative way. Some can say it, most can’t, and its taboo to bring up in normal conversation. And you say to yourself “Why can’t I say the N-Word?”

Most white people believe they cannot use the word, for if they do they will be beat up, seen as a racist, or “acting black”. But have no fear, I, a black man, am here to reveal in five easy steps the one true way a white person can successfully use the N Word with no recourse. ‘

Step 1: Obtain a Black Friend.

You are required to obtain a black friend by staying in very close contact with him for at least three months. This means you must spend time with this black friend in different locations or one location with the freedom of going anywhere else. **NOTE** visiting an inmate in prison frequently does not constitute them as your black friends, if anything that is a charity case. There are various places you can find a black friend. Visit an inner city barber shop, go to a local rap concert, take the city bus, and if you physically disabled, play online games such as Madden. Your black friend must feel comfortable with using the word in their own conversation and must be willing to be referred to, by you, as their black friend.

Step 2: Fill Out the Paperwork

Now that you have yourself a new black friend, you will need to fill out the necessary paperwork. This paperwork can be acquired from you local Negro Representative. Your local NR is an accredited Blackspert (black expert) and is usually someone whom has a degree in African American studies, Multiculturalism, or a soul food chef. This does not include crazy homeless people, self righteous self proclaimed revolutionaries, or your local drug dealer. When filling out the paperwork there will be a section on justification, this is where you plead your case as to why you want to use the N-Word. This may include that you want to repeat a joke done by a famous comedian, recite a movie line, or sing a lyric from a song such as the proper chorus to Gold Digger by Kanye West. Just make sure you have sufficient evidence to support your reason.

Step 3: Acquiring Your Black Card

Now that you have your black friend and you have filled out your proper paperwork it is now time to submit it all. You and your black friend must submit the paperwork to the Negro Representative and your black friend will sign giving you permission to have a black card. In around 2 to 3 weeks you will receive your black card. **Note- possession of the black card does not give you permission to use the N-Word yet.

Step 4: Earn Your Ability

In order to use your black card you must earn letters spelling out the N-Word (5 Acts), similar to the basketball game “Horse”. How this is done is you must perform “black acts” in the presence of black people.  What is defined as a black act is an action that is often performed by those of the black culture but is not in any way related to crime. These acts may include:

–          Attending a BBQ and taking a plate

–           Attend a Wu Tang concert

–          Smoke Newport cigarettes and drink Old English (OE) Malt Liquor (I, in no way, promote smoking and drinking)

–          Purchase a Jay-Z and Nas album and start a debate with someone as to who is the better rapper using evidence to back up your argument

–          Learn an entire song by A Tribe Called Quest

–          Support Obama solely because he is black

–           Write, memorize, and perform a 16 bar freestyle in a cipher

–          (for those who are physically disabled) Watch the following movies: Juice, Menace II Society, Belly, Don’t Be a Menace: In South Central While Drinking Your Juice in The Hood, Boyz n Da Hood, Love and Basketball, and anything made by Tyler Perry.

These are just a few suggestions there are others that have not been listed. Once again you must perform these in the presence of someone black and once acknowledged by the black person they will stamp your card.

Step 5: Use the Word

So you have all your letters on you black card and you are ready to say the N-Word. Whatever context it may be, which cannot be offensive or in aggressive manner, feel free to use the word in the presence of black people and before they assault you present your black card to keep you safe. They black person will then collect your card to prevent multiple use.

Congratulations! You have successfully used the word with no recourse. I must warn you that the black card is for one time use. This means if you want to use it again you must apply and perform the black acts again.

Exceptions:

–          If a white individual has grown up in a primarily black neighborhood and attended a primarily black school, they are inherently black and can use the word freely.

–          If a white individual is romantically involved with someone who is black they are still required to obtain a black card but are able to have their significant other stamp their card.

I hope this guide helps all of your in your ventures into black culture. Peace out.

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5 thoughts on “New Blog: White Guy’s Guide to Using the N Word

  1. Does watching a Spike Lee movie, and the consumption of Mad Dog 20/20 (grape flavor)constitute a “black act”? And can I substitute a Snoop Dog record in place of Jay-z?
    If not, I will stick to calling ya’ll my Sexual Chocolate!

  2. Yes those both suffice as a “black act” i also forgot to mention if you produce 3 recent pictures of you not smiling when everyone else is, that also counts, note: your face must be intentionally pissed off or “bad ass” no goofy onces

  3. Wow–I never knew! As a graduate of Hackett Middle School (during the 70s when it was scary) and Albany High, I’m inherently black. Maybe I *can* dance after all!

    Your blog looks awesome. Don’t be like 99% of bloggers and call it quits after three posts. Blogging is a commitment. That’s right, I said the C word. Good luck and hope to see you over the holidays when I’m back in Albany!

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